My 20 year old daughter had to practically drag me kicking and screaming to Blue Cliff Monastery for a retreat in January. Well, the kicking and screaming was all internal, since I was supposedly doing it to support her. Much to my surprise, I found it meaningful, refreshing and FUN! I also realized that ten years ago, when I stopped having a mindfulness meditation group meet at my home in favor of devoting myself to my Quaker Meeting, I had thrown too much of the baby out with the bath water, so to speak.
About 13 years ago, I attended the first of 3 week-long retreats with the venerable Thich Nhat Hahn and the monks and nuns of Plum Village (and 1800 other folks!). Was it serendipity or the hand of God (please note: I use "God" as short-hand for that which we call God.), that this first retreat came just weeks after my marriage suddenly, at least, sudden to me, came unglued? (Perhaps even more amazing, a month or so before the truth-telling that evaporated the glue, I had had a life changing spiritual awakening!) At any rate, it was amazingly helpful to be surrounded by calm, loving people who listened deeply and didn't seem to mind the waterfall of tears every time I attempted to share anything. Despite the distress I was in, I learned the beauty and usefulness of extended periods of silence, of mindful eating and walking meditation. Some days, when the noble silence ended after breakfast, I did not want to start speaking again for quite awhile.
There was some way that I felt I had come home and was not surprised at the feelings I had of wanting to become a nun and live this way the rest of my life. Since I was still married and had 3 children between the ages of 5 and 14, this, of course, was not remotely a possibility. The organizers had thoughtfully arranged the daily small groups, geographically. That is, all 15 people in my group were from the Philadelphia area. About 8 of us decided to continue meeting as a meditation group, weekly- and in my house, so I was committed. Thai, (teacher)
as Thich Naht Hahn is affectionately called, said and has written over and over again that if you are already committed to your own faith, take what you learn and use it to deepen your own. After nearly 3 years of being co-organizer of the group, I realized that being a member of my Quaker Meeting, my faith community required a marriage-like commitment, e.g. monogamy. I had to choose, and Central Philadelphia Monthly Meeting won, hands down.
With my encouragement the whole family, including my husband, had attended 2 of the 3 retreats mentioned above which we all enjoyed and benefitted from. But our large (by Quaker standards) faith community had so much to offer and, through the crisis in our marriage, we attended more regularly, helping to glue us all back together in a more healthy bond. (There was also a year of physical separation, years of individual therapy and marriage counseling...) My own personal meditation practice has waxed and waned, though not disappeared. As I have become more and more engaged in the Quaker way, I have explored more traditional practices of prayer and familiarized myself with more of the delights and wonders of Quaker practice- the annoyances I had already become familiar with since I was born and raised in this faith.
My journey, which at times resembles a meandering country road and at others a roller coaster ride, has lead me to pursue Jesus, Christ Jesus or the Christ principle which has existed always, as an aspect of God. It has lead me to seek reconciliation with early Friends (Quakers) and those who currently recognize Jesus/Christ as the center of their faith and practice. However, I remain a Universalist Friend, which means I not only acknowledge that of God in every individual, but also in every religion, every attempt to get closer to God, every attempt at translating those untranslatable experiences of the Divine into human language. I also recognize that every religion has a lot of bath water along with a genuine baby, including my own.
So, am I a Buddhist Quaker? I don't think so. In exactly the way that I am not a Christian Quaker. The words and examples of both Jesus and Buddha move and inspire me- not to mention elude and, sometimes, confuse me. But, for me neither of them is God. Only God is. Sometimes I think of them as aspects of God, but mostly as examples of God-filled humans who show us the way in this life, who offer us words and practices that can protect us and all life, help us live more in tune with the Divine order and bring us closer to God, moment by moment, breath by breath. I am grateful, eternally in each of their debt- but I do not worship either of them. I worship God. Therefore, I dub myself a mindful Quaker, a Friend who attempts to live in the present, wonderful moment- this moment which is a gift from God. So be it.
