At
our Quaker Meeting's weekend retreat on racial healing, lots about class come up, and I had
the revelation (again) that Mom is just a working class party girl forced to
pretend elsewise. Not that there aren't other aspects of her personality worth mentioning,
but she is definitely 'life of the party' to the core. I really wish I
had gotten to meet Granndpa Sam Outlaw, who I have been told she resembles more
than any of his other offspring!
My mother, Martha Outlaw, is 87 years old and in the tenth year of increasing dementia. Many of the last, approximately, 415 days that she has lived with me, I have been irritated or annoyed, until I realized a few months ago that I was actually deeply grieving the loss of the Mom I knew, while having to take care of this often amusing, sometimes cranky old lady who is masquerading as my mother!
Though frail, Mom has been incredibly healthy, until about 5 weeks ago. She got a bad cold with a lingering cough and then virtually stopped eating, with no apparent cause. So we started taking her to the doctors to have blood tests done, and various x-rays and body scans. It turned out to be an impacted bowel- but I won't go into the gory details here. She has gradually gotten better since 'the cure'. But there were some things still to check out, to make sure all was well, so back to the hospital we went.
During most of the previous 5 weeks she had no energy and was acting kind of depressed, but she was her amazing self at the hospital yesterday. She was cranky and mad a Judy, her other main caretaker, on the way there, partly or perhaps solely, because she had soiled herself just before we left and Judy was pretty directive in the cleaning up of it- AND got it done! But there was no problem getting her cooperation or the blood drawn once in the tech's room. There was a line of several people waiting when we were leaving and she commenting loudly, "Isn't it amazing how many people are lining up to get hurt!" That made just about everyone in the hall laugh or smile. Then as we were entering the elevator, she turned and waved good-by, saying, "Take care everybody, hope you make it out alive!" This time even making me guffaw!
She was unhappy waiting so long for the x-ray, it was quite busy over there, but once we got into the x-ray room she flirted with the cute young man who was the tech. It was not the quasi-obscene flirting she can do, especially with any man who seems remotely near her age, but sweet and funny and he was charmed.
I realized (again) as we were leaving for home, that Mom is such a great model for connecting with people in public places and though she gets to be briefly the center of attention, the life of the party, everyone benefits. It is not as self-centered as it has seemed to me in the past, in fact, it may not be self-centered at all. When we hold back form connecting with the people we meet, perhaps that is the most self-centered we can be. Making people laugh, or even just smile and especially when some outrageous thing she says or does makes someone's day, is truly a gift that she gives.
It can be oppressive, if one feels one HAS to be entertaining or make people happy, as I know from personal experience, but Mom does it effortlessly; it IS who she is. May I grow to be so, in my own way. May we all. So be it.
